Years ago, you promised your firstborn to a witch. Since then, despite your best efforts, you can’t seem to get laid. The witch is starting to get pretty pissed.
Y’all get together to discuss your options and she starts coaching you on how to get men because she doesn’t want to waste more magic on you without promise of payment. The more time you guys spend together the more you realize you have a bit of a crush on her. Soon you’re sabotaging your dates on purpose to see her again.
Long story short you fall in love and get married and do the sperm donor thing AND YOUR FIRSTBORN IS HERS BY DEFAULT and you live happily ever after. The end.
Baby cries in the middle of the night
Witch: Ughhhhh. It’s your turn.
You: You bought it. You handle it.
That is what I call a fairy tale ending.
Tag: witch
Identifying witches
An open witch: just enter their house there are like 80 candles and rocks and stars and leaves and shit everywhere you are just tripping over it
A kitchen witch: their kitchen is hands down the coolest part of the house with awesome spices and organisation and deco and their house smells amazing
Hedge witch: check for a dehydrator or massive amounts of parchment paper
An urban witch: their living space is covered in the most random, seemingly irrelevant stuff that they are super attached to
Pagan witch: altars to different deities everywhere and so many pentacles everywhere why is there one in the toilet damn what
Christian witch: house is covered in fairies and Angels in paintings and statues it’s like what
Neo-pagan: their gem stone collection can only be rivalled by the state rock museum ( either that or they are a Steven universe fan :p )
A closet witch: check the drawers for books Check the drawers man
Satanic witch: lots of silver on their altar and most of their closet is black or sexy.
Gothic witch: their house IS black and sexy and full of bones
A spoonie witch: their athame is in the kitchen and there is random candle wax around the house and you just have no idea what happened but this one corner of the house has great energy
Sigil witch: why is there a sigil on every napkin what is life who are you
Tarot focused: they have like 80 tarot decks and half haven’t even been opened and they are super defensive about
A witching: starter kits, specialty candles, and they have a few books on Wicca they bought accidentally
Sea witch: there are shells everywhere and it constantly smells like fresh sea air but you can’t find the source
A long time witch: THIS AMOUNT OF JARS HAS NEVER BEEN NECESSARY IN THE HISTORY OF MAN
Draconian witch: There are more dragon figurines every time you visit and you think they might be breeding.
Fae witch: you just found your keys in a flowerpot and you swear you never took them out. if you still have your keys, check to see if there are special house rules that don’t make sense out of context
Eclectic Witch: Their library makes literally no sense there’s like literal research volumes mixed in with 40 spell books from different traditions and every time you think you got a handle on the organization you find a an outlier and it’s all ruined. if they don’t have a physical library, check their altar. Is it probably way too small for the stuff on or around it? yeah.
Cottage witch: much handmade crafts, especially of the crochet/knitting/sewing variety. It always smells like tea or tea cakes. You are so cozy you will fall asleep.
Cosmos/astrological/star witch: You have left knowing at about 20 new facts about stars, positioning, planets, or otherwise. You weren’t trying, but it happened anyway.
Moon witch: They know literally every moon of every planet in the milky way and protective about their hundreds of dwarf moon sons
new-age witch: You’re not really sure they’re witches cuz you can’t find an altar or anything but they sure have the witch aesthetic down
green witch: the air is so fresh and maybe it’s the 93 plants but it’s somehow more refreshing than that
earth witch: not gemstones, but literal rocks are about. How did they even get this boulder, you wonder. Seriously. is there a boulder store you don’t know about?
pop-culture witch: they instinctively know you are hungry and offer to order pizza.
Crystal Goblets, Cutlery and Wands by Leonie Vivienne Rothman on Etsy
*casts a spell with my cereal spoon*
20 Household Herbs and their Magical Uses
Sea Salt: purification and cleansing
Sage: sacred purification herb, used to banish negative energies, and consecrate magical tools and spaces
Black Pepper: banishing negativity, warding off evil, and protection
Thyme: invigorates the user and inspires them to move on to new things- good for getting over losses
Rosemary: cleansing, purifying, and matters of the heart
Chamomile: money and luck, reversing hexes, and representing masculine energy
Bay Leaves: psychic powers and divination, success, money, and granting wishes
Basil: domestic harmony, home protection, purifying, and warding off negative influences
Parsley: divination, and psychic advancement, protection
Cinnamon: high levels of spirituality and psychic ability, lust and love
Cloves: drive away negativity, cleansing, and bringing prosperity
Ginger: adds strength to any working, and draws new experiences
Oregano: joy, strength, vitality, and energy
Peppermint: cleansing, peaceful sleep, bringing change, abundance, and wishes
Spearmint: healing, sleep protection, wishes, and vitality
Vanilla Bean: love, lust, passion, and restoring energy
Poppy Seeds: pleasure, heightened awareness, luck, and relief from insomnia
Cayenne Pepper: dealing with separation, speeds the effect of magical workings
Orange Peel: love, divination, money, luck, and emotional peace
Paprika: adds an extra boost to any magical working
Reblog if you’re the family witch
Howlite Autumn Witch Aesthetic // request witchy aesthetics in my ask ☁️😌
Concept: I live in an old creaky cottage with three massive wolfhounds. I wear exclusively long, soft cotton dresses and scratchy sweaters. My glass-walled greenhouse is bursting with all manner of plant life, and the folks from the village come to me for little spells and herbal remedies. The air always smells like rain.
RandomFandom 