it is the most wonderfully made, historically inaccurate, giddily fun, perfectly paced, goofy horror movie romance novel bullshit bonanza that has ever blessed the silver screen.
i mean it is just so beautifully full of every genre without being overwhelming. we’ve got: comedy, action, suspense, horror, romance, adventure, ancient aesthetics, and it’s a period piece. all perfectly balanced and blended into one movie.
and the characters are so LIT
we got our main babe, evelyn “motherfucking” carnahan, a super-klutz librarian, total history nerd, and certified badass/damsel in distress. she raises the dead on accident, because she cannot resist books, and has the guts to put that motherfucker back where he came from and literally saves the world. evie’s greatest hits:
“what is a place like me, doing in a girl like this?!”
*after totally destroying the library* “i’ve just made a bit of a mess in the library.”
“no harm ever came from reading a book.”
evelyn:*upon opening the tomb* “i’ve dreamt about this since i was a little girl.” rick: “you dream about dead guys?”
“oops.”
then we’ve got rick“brendan fraser” o’connell, your not-so-typical battle hardened gun slinger with a heart of gold. he seems filthy, rude, and a complete scoundrel at first, but then he turns into a literal puppy, with massive heart eyes, that worships the ground evie walks on. rick’s greatest hits:
*screams at mummy*
*screams at sand*
*screams at things that are illogical to scream at*
*screams*
next is our Comedic Relief Character™, jonathan carnahan, who also rises above his trope. he’s there for the laugh sure, but is never useless. he actively helps to move the plot along and isn’t just there. he also is the farthest thing from brainless and annoying. jonathan’s greatest hits:
evelyn: “have you no respect for the dead?” jonathan: “of course i do, but sometimes i’d rather like to join them.” same.
oh and that time he was like “IMHOTEP” and saved his own ass like that was so smooth, y’all know what i’m talking about right??
then there is ardeth BAE. he is the audience rolling his eyes because *sighs* white people. he’s tired of these motherfucking mummies in this motherfucking desert. literally prettier than everyone. (he has a much bigger role in the mummy returns, but is still so fab here)
and of course THE MUMMY. imhotep. actual emo. literally carved some poetry into the back of his sarcophagus when he was buried alive with flesh eating bugs, because he is that Extra™. just wants to bring his girlfriend back to life so he can make out with her without it being treason.
and all the side characters are also gr8.
now i wanna take a moment to talk about the romance. because it is so BEAUTIFUL. like usually in action movies it’s macho man undermines girl and they bone. not here. no time for that shit.
rick and evie have such a great relationship based on mutual respect and affection. they both cater to each other’s strengths and cover each other’s weaknesses. they are the literally definition of: “those two. in a fight, they’re lethal. around each other, they melt”
what else, i could literally talk about this movie all day.
the special effects have held up pretty well. the music score is GORGEOUS. the costumes are amazing. the makeup, especially for anck su namun, OH WOW. the george of the jungle era brendan fraser sign me the fuck up. rachel weisz.
so many good things.
it’s just great.
#i secretly rate every action movie from 0 to the mummy
it’s a beautiful mess of a movie that can be enjoyed by people of all ages and transcends time and posterity as the alpha mummy movie, and to those who disagree i beseech you:
Tom Cruise and Young Hot Blonde™ enter the crypt, Tom in the lead because he is the manly protector. Their flashlight beams eventually illuminate a sarcophagus carved in the likeness of a beautiful Princess.
Tom Cruise approaches the sarcophagus, moves to open it.
Young Hot Blonde™: Don’t do the thing.
Tom Cruise: I’m going to do the thing. *Shoves sarcophagus open*
They cough as dust fills the air. Just as it begins to clear, Brendan Frasier shoots upright, drawing his gun and immediately shooting Tom Cruise in the head.
“I thought I told Evy not to put me down for mummification,” he mutters as he looks at his surroundings. He is inexplicably not decomposed or mummified, just vaguely wrapped in Charmin. Glances at a now very dead Tom Cruise. “Oops.”
Young Hot Blonde™: How… how did this happen?
Brendan Frasier: Well, it’s a long story, I’ll have to start at the beginning.
Then they just replay the entirety of ‘The Mummy’ (1999).
After credits scene:
Young Hot Blonde™: That still doesn’t explain how you ended up alive in a sarcophagus in the year 2017.
literally they begin with evie saving his life, like this ship began with girl saves boy and rick admits that’s the entire reason he goes on the adventure at all
lots of longing gazes
bANTER BANTER BANTER BANTER THE ONLY THING THAT SCARES ME MR O’CONNELL ARE YOUR MANNERS
the formal way they address each other, “mr o’connell” “evelyn”
TEAMWORK!!!!! ships that work together as a team are legit wonderful
basically every little thing evie does that wouldn’t be considered “becoming”
for a woman at that time, rick is very into. racing a camel? rick is
down. describe mummification with gross specifics? rick is very into it.
and then he steals nice tools for her which is basically the most romantic thing you could give evelyn carnahan as a present
“i… am a librarian” rick is aroused
when he helps her off the ground and very gently checks to make sure she
isnt hurt and basically casually holds her like wtf kind of romantic
bullshit is this
rick loses his shit any time evie might get hurt
like they have to hOLD HIM BACK when she goes with imhotep
“if they make me a mummy you’re the first one i’m coming after”
THEY ALWAYS HOLD HANDS WHEN RUNNING AWAY FROM DANGER
their kiss has a smiley NOSE RUB like kill me i hate them
they cuddle on a fucking camel
in the mummy returns:
A MARRIED SHIP THAT HAS BEEN TOGETHER FOR TEN YEARS, HAS A CHILD, AND IS STILL COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY FULL OF LOVE AND SUPPORT
like these assholes have been together for a decade and still make out constantly
WHEN THEY DEFEAT THE MUMMIES ON THE BUS LEGIT EVIE CROOKS HER DAMN FINGER AT HIM LIKE THEY ARE SO TURNED ON BY ALMOST DYING THAT IS BASICALLY THEIR KINK
they compromise and still work as a team so well!! they know when to do it evie’s way and when to do it rick’s way
like he hands her a gun and she nods and they basically practice how to fight at home right? they have to. they choreograph this shit.
they still banter and tease each other and it is full of so much fucking affection, gag me now
THEY JUST LIKE HOLD EACH OTHER A LOT ITS LOVELY
i dont support evie’s temporary death but also brendan fraser is literally the only man actually acting in that scene and it hurts my heart to even consider rick living without evie like that man thinks screaming AHHH at mummies will make a difference, how would he even function
just like a lot of hardcore risking their lives for each other
“do you want to know what heaven looks like?” “nope would rather make out on this blimp pls”
those are the only two mummy movies nothing else exists sorry
favorite duos (of all time and kind): evy & rick, the mummy & the mummy returns. ↳ “listen we’ve got to do something! once the creature’s been reborn, his curse is going to spread until the whole of the earth is destroyed!”
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