1. Humans say ‘ow’, even if they haven’t actually been hurt. It’s just a thing they say when they think they might have been hurt, but aren’t sure yet.
2. Humans collect shiny things and decorate their bodies and nests with them. The shinier the better, although each individual has a unique taste for style and colouring
3. Humans are not an aquatic or even amphibious species, but they flock to bodies of water simply to play in it. They can’t even hold their breath all that long; they just love to splash!
4. When night falls and the sky goes dark, humans become drowsy and begin to cocoon themselves in soft, fluffy bedding.
5. Some humans spend time in each other’s nests! Just for fun! It’s not their nest; they’re just visiting each other.
6. Some humans use pigments and dyes to make their bodies flashy and colourful! They even attach shiny dangly bits to their cartalidgous membranes!
7. Humans are very clever, and sometimes adopt creatures from other species into their family units. They don’t seem to notice the obvious differences, and often raise them alongside their own young!
8. If a human sees another creature in distress, they can commonly be observed trying to help! Even at their own risk, most humans are deeply compassionate creatures!
9. If a human hears a particularity catchy sound or tune, it will often mimic it, even to the point of annoying themselves!
10. Sneezes are entirely involuntary, and completely adorable. Especially when the human in question becomes frustrated
11. Humans love treats!!! Some more than others. Many humans will save these treats specifically for a later date when they are in need of comfort or reassurance. IE, pickles, pop tarts, Popsicles, etc
12. They’re learning to travel in space!!! They can’t get very far, but they’re trying!!! So far, they’ve made it to the end of their yard, and have found rocks
this sounds like it was written by a really enthusiastic alien humanologist
So there has been a bit of “what if humans were the weird ones?” going around tumblr at the moment and Earth Day got me thinking. Earth is a wonky place, the axis tilts, the orbit wobbles, and the ground spews molten rock for goodness sakes. What if what makes humans weird is just our capacity to survive? What if all the other life bearing planets are these mild, Mediterranean climates with no seasons, no tectonic plates, and no intense weather?
What if several species (including humans) land on a world and the humans are all “SCORE! Earth like world! Let’s get exploring before we get out competed!” And the planet starts offing the other aliens right and left, electric storms, hypothermia, tornadoes and the humans are just … there… counting seconds between flashes, having snowball fights, and just surviving.
To paraphrase one of my favorite bits of a ‘humans are awesome’ fiction megapost: “you don’t know you’re from a Death World until you leave it.” For a ton of reasons, I really like the idea of Earth being Space Australia.
Earth being Space Australia
Words cannot express how much I love these posts
Alien: “I’m sorry, what did you just say your comfortable temperature range is?”
Human: “Honestly we can tolerate anywhere from -40 to 50 Celcius, but we prefer the 0 to 30 range.”
Alien: “……. I’m sorry, did you just list temperatures below freezing?”
Human: “Yeah, but most of us prefer to throw on scarves or jackets at those temperatures it can be a bit nippy.”
Other human: “Nah mate, I knew this guy in college who refused to wear anything past his knees and elbows until it was -20 at least.”
Human: “Heh. Yeah everybody knows someone like that.”
Alien: “……. And did you also say 50 Celcius? As in, half way to boiling?”
Human: “Eugh. Yes. It sucks, we sweat everywhere, and god help you if you touch a seatbelt buckle, but yes.”
Alien: “……. We’ve got like 50 uninhabitable planets we think you might enjoy.”
“You’re telling me that you have… settlements. On islands with active volcanism?”
“Well, yeah. I’m not about to tell Iceland and Hawaii how to live their lives. Actually, it’s kind of a tourist attraction.”
“What, the molten rock?”
“Well, yeah! It’s not every day you see a mountain spew out liquid rocks! The best one is Yellowstone, though. All these hot springs and geysers from the supervolcano–”
“You ACTIVELY SEEK OUT ACTIVE SUPERVOLCANOES?”
“Shit, man, we swim in the groundwater near them.”
Sounds like the “Damned” trilogy by Alan Dean Foster.
“And you say the poles of your world would get as low as negative one hundred with wind chill?”
“Yup, with blizzards you cant see through every other day just about.”
“Amazing! when did you manage to send drones that could survive such temperatures?”
“… well, actually…”
“… what?”
“…we kinda……. sent……….. people…..”
“…”
“…”
“…what?”
“we sent-”
“no yeah I heard you I just- what? You sent… HUMANS… to a place one hundred degrees below freezing?”
“y-yeah”
“and they didn’t… die?”
“Well the first few did”
“PEOPLE DIED OF THE COLD AND YOUR SOLUTION WAS TO SEND MORE PEOPLE???!?!?!?”
My new favorite Humans are Weird quote
“PEOPLE DIED OF THE COLD AND YOUR SOLUTION WAS TO SEND MORE PEOPLE?”
aka The History of Russia
aka Arctic Exploration
aka The History of Alaska
‘But surely you have records of volcanic activity doing tremendous damage to human settlements.’
‘Yep. Pompeii is legendary. Entire cities went. Towns buried under lava, peoples’ brains boiled in the first rush of heat, loads more killed by falling pumice.’
‘ah, good, they learned their lesson and didn’t build there again.’
‘…well…’
‘Are you seriously telling me this volcano is legendary for killing several urban conurbations and you built on top of it AGAIN?’
‘In our defence it hasn’t actually done it since.’
‘What about earthquake-prone areas? Tell me you’re at least vaguely sensible about those.’
‘Oh yeah. After the first major earthquake that flattens a city, we build them better.’
People are amazing…
DID SOMEONE SAY ＳＰＡＣＥ ＡＵＳＴＲＡＬＩＡ
OKAY BUT COOKING CLASS AND ALSO ADAPTABILITY
“…and this is where the kids learn to coo-”
*alien gasps, rushes forward, and snatches a butter knife from a student* “OH MY STARS DON’T TOUCH THAT”
“Dude, give it back! I still need that!”
*alien is dumbfounded so student sighs, takes it, and goes back to what they were doing*
“Sir? Why did you-”
“THE PUBESCENT HUMAN HAD A SHARP IMPLEMENT ARE YOU INSANE”
“…that’s a butter knife. Not dangerous at all unless you do a stupid and run it over your tongue repeatedly or something”
“YOU HAVE DIFFERENT TYPES OF CUTTING IMPLEMENTS READILY AVAILABLE TO YOUR YOUNG?!”
“Well, yeah! How else are they supposed to learn how to use them properly?”
*INCOHERENT ALIEN SCREAMING*
“DUDE LET US CONCENTRATE I DON’T WANNA SPILL THE BATTER”
〜〜〜〜〜〜
“Ma! Da! I’m home!”
“Hello, human. Your elder relatives are currently in the backyard, shoveling the sn-”
“Thanks, spaceman!”
“Wait, you musT BUNDLE UP IT IS LESS THAN 20 FAHRENHEITS OUT THE-”
“Spaceman I just got back from a much colder retreat thingy I’ll be fine”
“YOU NEED MORE THAN A “T-SHORT” AND “SHORTS” I SWEAR TO THE STARS”
Ooooh speaking of cooking:
Human: oh no don’t eat that it’s poisonous! Alien: amazing how you can analyze this plant’s chemical make up to find out- Human: yeah no we found out it was poisonous because someone up and ate it a hundred years ago Alien: so you find out what you can and can’t eat by TRIAL AND ERROR!? Human: in our defense we learn pretty quickly
*at a sushi restaurant* Alien: you know, I was researching the properties of animal poison. Imagine finding that out the hard way! Human: (to waiter) yes we’ll have the fugu please Alien: that sounds great! What is it? Human: pufferfish Alien: you… you eat POISONOUS FISH?!? Human: yeah they have special chefs who study for years to figure out how to prepare it properly. It’s really good though. Alien: *faints*
“What is this barbaric game!?! These humans are charging at full speed at each other for a ball!?!” “Yeah man, football is great, totally worth the concussions and broken bones every now and then. but yo, wrestling is where it’s at!” “FOR. A. BALL!!!??!!!”
RandomFandom 