So, long car journey today with friends and fam and my bro pitched we do the most millennial of things – sort our favourite TV show characters into their Hogwarts houses!!
Herewith some of our ideas for GLOW…
Slytherin – Ambition
(I feel the need to add a disclaimer here in that I don’t think ambition is a negative trait, or one that makes you evil… I love my Slytherin girls and will wrestle anyone who would try to shame them for wanting more).
Debbie Eagan – Debbie is clever and brave in spades for sure, but we thought her need to better herself is at the absolute core of her being. And she can be pretty cunning about it too when she needs to be, as function of bitter experience. She was forced out of Paradise Cove by being too straightforward with her ideas and plans but that doesn’t mean she’s given up on her dreams of not having to put up with other people’s shit. Key sorting moment for us has to be:
Ruth Wilder – we um-ed and ah-ed a lot over Ruth. She’s brave, clever and she works SO HARD. Coming back to the gym after Sam cut her in the first day of auditions definitely took a lot of guts. But for us, ultimately, it’s Ruth’s belief that she can be so much more than her conditions currently allow that made us plump for Slytherin. Given the chance to direct she absolutely leaps for it, and even when Sam is punishing her she won’t give up on pushing for her ideas to be recognised as valid.
“Sirius was a brave, clever, and energetic man, and such men are not usually content to sit at home in hiding while they believe others to be in danger.”
“Harry looked out for the first time at Ron’s house. It looked as though it had once been a large stone pigpen, but extra rooms had been added here and there until it was several stories high and so crooked it looked as though it were held up by magic (which, Harry reminded himself, it probably was). Four or five chimneys were perched on top of the red roof. A lopsided sign stuck in the ground near the entrance read, THE BURROW. Around the front door lay a jumble of rubber boots and a very rusty cauldron. Several fat brown chickens were pecking their way around the yard.“
I have a theory that the valued quality of each of the four Houses isn’t really about the personality of its students.
The valued quality of each of the four Houses has to do with how they perceive magic.
Stick with me a second: Hogwarts is a school to study magic. Magic as Hogwarts teaches it can be seen as many things: a natural talent, a gift, a weapon, etc.
So how you believe magic should be used will both reflect your personality and change how you handle that power.
“Their daring, nerve, and chivalry set Gryffindors apart,” Gryffindors perceive magic as a weapon. Gryffindors tend to excel in aggressive forms of magic, like offensive and defensive spells, and they are good at dueling. But a true Gryffindor knows that the power is a responsibility, and so they must always use their powers to stand up for what’s right. They are the sword of the righteous, which makes them as good at Defense Against the Dark Arts as they are at combat magic.
Hufflepuffs believe that magic is a gift and that the best gifts are to be given away. Hufflepuffs, “loyal and just,” would naturally abhor the idea of jealously guarding magic or using it to hurt someone else. So Hufflepuffs share their magic to benefit of Muggles, like the Fat Friar, to protect the overlooked, like Newt Scamander with his creatures, or to oppose those who would use magic to torment and bully, like the Hufflepuffs who stood with the DA and the battle of Hogwarts.
Slytherins are the opposite: they believe their magic is a treasure that they have been entrusted to protect. The Slytherin fascination with purity, with advantage, with cunning and secrecy–all of which were perverted by the Death Eaters–comes from the idea that people with magic in their veins have been given something special that it is their duty to protect at all costs. And perhaps they aren’t entirely wrong: power in the wrong hands can be dangerous. And power interfering at will with Muggle affairs is a gross presumption that could turn the course of history. Though the series shows some of the worst that Slytherin can be, “evil,” is not a natural Slytherin tendency. “Cautious,” is.
Ravenclaws believe that magic is an art form, one that is beautiful and should be appreciated and studied for its own sake. If “wit beyond measure is man’s greatest treasure,” then asking what magic is for is useless. It’s more important to immerse oneself in magic for its own sake. Ravenclaws push the boundaries of magic to see if they can, hence Hermione’s spell experiment on the DA coins being dubbed a Ravenclaw quality, but like Luna Lovegood in the pursuit of extraordinary creatures: they can also be content to plumb the depths of what already exists.
So while you can see where personalities will overlap over Houses, perhaps in Sorting we should be asking ourselves less what we think we are and more what we think we believe.
that’s much more interesting and substantive than “brave, smart, evil, miscellaneous”
A concept: Hermione sending howlers to her kids on the Minister for Magic stationary. The letterhead and all official insignia become part of the soundblast.
THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC OF THE UNITED KINGDOM AND THE REPUBLIC OF IRELAND
LEVEL ONE THE MINISTER FOR MAGIC’S OFFICE
HUGO FREDERICK WEASLEY, YOU BEST HAVE A WHOLE PRESENTATION ABOUT EXACTLY HOW YOUR NAME WOUND UP IN THAT BLASTED GOBLET AND MOST IMPORTANTLY HOW IT CAME BACK OUT. INTERPRETIVE DANCE RECOMMENDED. HAS OUR FAMILY’S TRACK RECORD TAUGHT YOU ABSOLUTELY NOTHING? I AM SURE YOU ARE AWARE THAT THIS IS ONLY A VANGUARD OF A PERSONAL APPEARANCE OF YOURS TRULY.
TOURNAMENT NOR BINDING MAGICAL CONTRACT WILL HAVE TIME TO KILL YOU AS I’LL GET THERE FIRST. I AM SO CROSS.
THE RIGHT HONOURABLE MADAME HERMIONE JEAN GRANGER-WEASLEY, MINISTER FOR MAGIC, ORDER OF MERLIN FIRST CLASS, SPECIAL ADVISOR TO THE INTERNATIONAL CONFEDERATION OF WIX, GRAND SORCERESS