Pit bull foster mom with her chihuahua rescue puppies
ACTUALLY CRYING
Tag: funny
where a superhero has to deal with a supervillain who thinks they’re their best friend
“we’re enemies – last week you tried to rob a bank”
“i got us a groupon for that new thai restaurant”
“you stole it!”
“it’s really the savings that are the crime”
‘here’s a handmade friendship bracelet for you!’
‘you didn’t make that, the girl scout you stole that from is crying right over there!’
‘i also got you thin mints!’
“this box is half empty…”
“half the calories!”
‘and here’s a latte to wash the cookies down!’
‘this to-go cup doesn’t have either of our names on it.’
‘no one seemed to respond in the first 5 seconds after the barista called the name out, so i took it to make sure it wouldn’t go to waste!’
“why are you doing this while robbing a bank? who brings a latte to a heist?”
“well i thought you’d be thirsty from trying to stop criminals.”
“you’re the one doing the crime!”
“hey, i’m an artist. this isn’t even the only bank being robbed by me right now.”
‘speaking of art, i’ve already returned the original wharhol’s you stole back to the museum.’
‘but those were your birthday present!’
‘they were stolen and i don’t even like pop art!’
‘so what you’re saying is something art nouveau for Hanukkah then?’
“we aren’t FRIENDS. you’re EVIL! you’re breaking the law right now!”
“is this because i didn’t come to your slam poetry night? i was in jail”
“i am aware. i put you there. AND YOU WEREN’T INVITED!”
‘i know, i just friended you on facebook so that you can invite me next time!’
’…did you already friend my MOM?’
‘she’s a lovely woman, we’re going antiquing next sunday!
“YOU CAN’T MAKE HER AN ACCESSORY TO CRIME”
“please, she’d never get caught with me”
“you get caught all the time!”
“well, yeah, by you”
‘and look, i even made a scrapbook of all the times you’ve caught me!’
‘this is…incredibly comprehensive and oddly touching.’
‘aww, i’m so glad you like it!’
‘i’d like it a lot better if you didn’t have the back quarter of the book marked out for future crimes.’
“i’m just keeping the option open. you’d be awesome at it. it’s all i’m saying”
“i really hope this isn’t going to be used as evidence in your next trial”
“oh my god, remember that last public defender? hilarious. they used one of my old crime collages. i was touched you kept it”
America:
I’m never going to get the hang of French…
Canada: That’s okay. Don’t you speak a lot of other languages?
America: Uh… kinda? But badly…. so badly… Maaaaaaybe Spanish. My Spanish is okay.
Canada: Hmm, at least you can speak English well!
England *from a distance*: No!!!!
If you’re driving a Tesla and it get stolen, is it now an “Edison”?
Family gathering.
MOOOOOM, AUNT CAROL IS HEEEEEERE
shoutout to the time my mom was hammered and i heard her trying to tell my dad that she murdered her first husband years ago and my dad very patiently said “i saw glenn in an elevator last week”
Do you think every president goes through a awkward first few weeks in office when they’re not sure when’s the right time to ask if aliens are real or not?
When you make a reference and someone actually gets it
RandomFandom 