Tag: funny

jumpingjacktrash:

onceuponamirror:

memesandshipsgalore:

beckyhop:

dixon-arrows:

moldychesee:

narwhal-noir:

pajarosdelamancha:

jamesandlilys:

digitalfare:

orriculum:

svynakee:

thirdtimecharmed:

altonzm:

french recipes: if you’re not making this in paris then what’s the point. fuck you

italian recipes: use the left leg meat of a pig from one of three farms in this specific area of tuscany, or from this day my grandmother will begin manifesting physically in your house

american recipes: buy these three cans of stuff and put them in a pan congrats you cooked

chinese recipes, as handed down from mother to child: season it with a pinch of this and some of that. you want to know the exact amount? feel it in your heart. ask the stars. yell into the void. 

English recipes: boil and salt it. Okay that’s it enjoy

Greek recipes: You followed all the right steps but this isn’t quite right. I don’t know what to tell you.

Australia recipes: chuck it on the barbie

Latinx recipes: you will never make it better than your abuela, face the facts

Armenian recipes: spend eight days laboring over the stove. the food will be flavorful with the sacrifice of your sanity. no one will appreciate it.

Canadian recipes: It either needs more bacon, more maple syrup, more gravy, or an unholy combination of the three

Polish recipes: you have to toUCH THE DOUGH, FEEL THE PIEROGI IN YOUR HEART, TOUCH IT. LICK IT. SMELL IT.

Every time I see this post, I learn more about how different countries’ cuisines AND neuroses.

Indian recipes: there are 500 cuisines and that means 500 versions of this dish that has 500 spices so gl 

ashki jewish recipes: no, no. no. more onion. 

internet recipes: here is a heartwarming story about my baby sister’s third birthday that i completely made up, and a copypaste from alton brown.

prokopetz:

In the modern idiom:

“So Bob said […]” indicates that I am directly quoting Bob.

“Then Bob was like […]” indicates that I am paraphrasing Bob.

“And Bob was all […]” indicates that I am paraphrasing Bob, and additionally I am being a dick about it.

I don’t know about you, but I think it’s fantastic that we have a specific grammatical convention for that.

The Last Words Of 25 Famous Dead Writers

powerhousearena:

When you’ve dedicated your life to words, it’s important to go out eloquently.

  1. Ernest Hemingway: “Goodnight my kitten.“ Spoken to his wife before he killed himself.
  2. Jane Austen: “I want nothing but death.“ In response to her sister, Cassandra, who was asking her if she wanted anything.
  3. J.M Barrie: “I can’t sleep.”
  4. L. Frank Baum: “Now I can cross the shifting sands.”
  5. Edgar Allan Poe: “Lord help my poor soul.”
  6. Thomas Hobbes: “I am about to take my last voyage, a great leap into the dark,”
  7. Alfred Jarry: “I am dying…please, bring me a toothpick.”
  8. Hunter S. Thompson: “Relax – this won’t hurt.”
  9. Henrik Ibsen: “On the contrary!”
  10. Anton Chekhov: “I haven’t had champagne for a long time.”
  11. Mark Twain: “Good bye. If we meet–” Spoken to his daughter Clara.
  12. Louisa May Alcott: “Is it not meningitis?“ Alcott did not have meningitis, though she believed it to be so. She died from mercury poison.
  13. Jean Cocteau: "Since the day of my birth, my death began its walk. It is walking towards me, without hurrying.”
  14. Washington Irving: “I have to set my pillows one more night, when will this end already?”
  15. Leo Tolstoy: “But the peasants…how do the peasants die?”
  16. Hans Christian Andersen: “Don’t ask me how I am! I understand nothing more.”
  17. Charles Dickens: “On the ground!" He suffered a stroke outside his home and was asking to be laid on the ground.
  18. H.G. Wells: "Go away! I’m all right." He didn’t know he was dying.
  19. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe: "More light.”
  20. W.C. Fields: “Goddamn the whole fucking world and everyone in it except you, Carlotta!" “Carlotta” was Carlotta Monti, actress and his mistress.
  21. Voltaire: "Now, now, my good man, this is no time for making enemies." When asked by a priest to renounce Satan.
  22. Dylan Thomas: "I’ve had 18 straight whiskies…I think that’s the record.”
  23. George Bernard Shaw: “Dying is easy, comedy is hard.”
  24. Henry David Thoreau: “Moose…Indian.”
  25. James Joyce: “Does nobody understand?”

My favourite quotes

memecaptainsteverogers:

daredevilmeme:

spacefaringviking:

aber-flyingtiger:

nobelshieldmaiden:

luminar2000:

“Aim towards the Enemy.” – Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher
“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.” – U.S. Army
“Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.” – U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
“If the enemy is in range, so are you.” – Infantry Journal
“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.” – Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance
“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.” – U.S. Air Force Manual
“Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.” – Infantry Journal
“Tracers work both ways.” – U.S. Army Ordnance
“Five-second fuses only last three seconds.” – Infantry Journal
“Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.” – Col. David Hackworth
“If your attack is going too well, you’re probably walking into an ambush.” – Infantry Journal
“No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.” – Joe Gay
“Any ship can be a minesweeper … once.” – Anonymous
“Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.” – Unknown Army Recruit
“Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.” – Your Buddies
(And lastly)
“If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.” – U.S. Ammo Troop

The best for last.

“Any ship can be a minesweeper…once”

Human wisdoms when going to battle

@memecaptainsteverogers @memewarmachinerox you two seem to be the most likely to appreciate this

I think I might be responsible for a couple of those. 

biggest-gaudiest-patronuses:

foreverravenclaw:

Okay of course I’m happy that Malala got accepted to Oxford, but I really want to know more! What did she write for her personal essay- “Just google me bitches”? Did she have to do an interview and if so did she just plonk her nobel peace prize down on the table? Did her student counselor advise her to apply to other crappier places just in case she wasn’t accepted? Was there anyone who actually turned down freaking Malala Yousafzai, I need to know!!

#she just walked in and was like ‘i go here now’  #and they were like ‘thank you’